When the muse knocks in you cannot ignore her. Let her in!

The last week has been a whirlwind of beyond crazy.  We knew that starting chemo was going to present us with some new challenges, but we had no idea what the universe had in store for us this week.  I knew the chemo nurse had jinxed us when she told me to go home and rest and plan for a quiet weekend.

We went straight from chemo in Winchester to the ICU in Brockville and before we could even wrap our heads around the concept, we were saying goodbye to one of the most wonderful human beings I have ever met -- my father in-law.

Here we are a week later and just days after his funeral and it still doesn't feel like it is real.  I keep hoping that this is another cruel joke from the universe and he is going to walk in the door Timmies in hand at any moment; but sadly, no such luck. 

As sick as he was, he asked me how I made out at chemo.  I told him 'much better than expected' and he'd said good before closing his eyea again.  I never dreamed it would be one of the very last things he would ever say to me.

The service was lovely; from the flowers and Legion service through to the funeral service and graveside prayers.  The staff at the funeral home were so wonderful to us all.  2 of his sons and one of his grandsons paid lovely tribute to a man we were not ready to part with. Our long time friend and minister and a close family friend prepared a wonderful service. Voices of angels filled that chapel. The Ladies Aux prepared a luncheon and the branch flag flew at half mast for most of the week. A wonderful tribute to one of the most selfless and amazing people I have ever had the pleasure to know.  He welcomed most everyone into his heart and family with open arms.  He was a rare breed.

Papa would have loved the piper.  Most of all I think he would have been pleased to know that all of his kids, grandkids and great grandchildren came out to see him off and show Nana some love.  He would have loved that best of all.

I dreamt about him the other night.  It was the strangest thing.  He never said a word but he had the biggest smile on his face.  I joked to my hubby that if he was gonna wake me up, at least he could have said something. LOL  His smile was so warm and bright. I cannot help but think that he was trying to let us know that he is OK.  A number of family members have seen random signs this week.  Seems like our Papa -- always making sure everyone else is ok.

I have to admit that for much of this week chemo really kicked my butt.  I tried not to make a big deal of it but at the point we misplaced the bag of chemo meds and anti nausea/acid saving graces I about lost my mind!  They have since been found.. misplaced in the shuffle of this week.

I have a hand full of chemo cheerleaders who called or messaged daily to see how I was doing and reminding me to get rest when I could.  One of my best friends surprised me by coming out for the funeral.  Her hug was one of the bigggest highlights of my week.

My amazing mother inlaw had just lost her beloved soul mate and teddybear and was worrying about me.  She is one of the strongest women I know.  We are so very grateful that our kids and grandkids get to have her as a role model. I too am so very truly blessed to have been adopted to what my in-laws affectionately call the nuthouse. 

My addled brain is still percolating on the piece that the muse gave me this morning  but I imagine it will end up here in the near future. 

I woke up just after 2 am this morning. The chemo fog seems to have dissipated and my brain seemed to be reciting a future blog post.  Try as I might I couldn't get back to sleep. It was like someone handed me the lyrics to a new song that I just had to get up and sing.  I honestly cannot remember the last time that happened. 

I cannot get to my computer until my legs are wrapped and brace on, then realized my tablet case got left in mom's car in the shuffle.  So here I am blogging on my phone which I never do.  Do you what you gotta do, right?

In the quietest moments..

It is in the quietest moments that we remember most everything.  It could be as simple as the laundry list of things you didn't get done the day before, but it can also be the time when that little voice comes out to taunt you.  

Lately, mine's been given me hassles a-plenty.  She can be a real mean little B sometimes.  She knows all my faults, fears, and secrets, and she plays dirty.  

Sometimes she comes in the form of a familiar voice: my Dad, my mother-in-law, my teddy-bear.  All too often lately, I have to admit she's right.  I do NOT have to like it.  

This week's scrutiny has been about the ever-growing plate of "stuff" and the how little of "my" stuff is staying on the plate.  I can start out with a list of 10 things I personally want to get done in a day; by day's end I may have accomplished 30 things but the list of "my" things doesn't seem to have a dent in it.  

There is also that part of me that's scrambling to get things done before the weekend so I don't have to worry about it if I'm not up to taking care of it.  Not surprisingly so many offers of help before the big day didn't come to fruition and we're left winging it.  

I keep promising myself that I'll take time out to (fill in the blank) but then the phone rings or a message comes in with something that seems more pressing than whatever I'd had in mind and the moment is gone. I really need to be more diligent about finding that me time.  We've been looking at the calendar a lot lately and at all the things we're up to and involved in, and somewhere in the shuffle we've forgotten to plan downtime and recreation -- can you imagine? 

I am being constantly reminded by friends and family that the big C brings with it somewhat of a mandatory slow down.  My arguments that I will do as much as I can for as long as I can have not been particularly well received.  Even still, there's a fine line between taking some downtime and slipping into the abyss. A big part of me refuses to forget what feeling stranded was like.  I don't want to revert back to a wheelchair or be stuck in bed. I am aware that my attention and focus need to shift for a bit and I'm already all over that.  It will be an adjustment.  

I've been following a great group on Facebook for a while now.  I try to post regularly but sometimes the muse leaves me hanging in my tea. The group is Facebook support for Business, and is business oriented but I have found myself also applying the concept to my personal life in that Monday motivator got me in the mindset of not only choosing a business thing to tackle each week but also got me thinking of my personal honey-do list which is equally as important.  We truly do not give enough thought to self-care as we plod through our lists of things we do for everybody else every day!!

This week's project is going through a variety of blog drafts and blog tangents.  Bloggus-interuptus you could say.  The muse left mid-post or the blog went on too long.   There have been a number of comments on how I haven't posted in a while.  

I have also been contacting a variety of contacts and clients, just to reconnect and regroup as needed.  It's amazing the value of a "Hey, I thought about you today!"  to someone's day.  I've rekindled a couple of writing projects I'd been percolating in the process.  

I'm calling it a win :)